I have a blog!

I saw a book this morning on the table. It was called "How to Stop Working". If there's so much pages in that book, wasting trees, just quit! I say QUIT! You don't need a book.

And that's how I rock!

Giant Mine

My mom told me there was a guy who put a bomb in the mine and murdered a bunch of people. The workers and the bosses were in an argument because the workers did not like the way the bosses treated them. So some of the workers stopped working, and some of them did not. And some people got really mad about it. And one guy was so mad that he put a bomb in the mine.

And now he is in jail forever. I was thinking that he maybe doesn’t get fed, but my mom says that he always gets his food. Maybe he doesn’t always get to eat what he wants to eat. My mom says he probably gets to read the newspapers, too. I think that is pretty lucky, because I almost never read the newspaper. And Daniel hardly ever reads them.

I bet the police probably treat him pretty good. I would like to go to the jail and look at the people, but I can’t, and that’s not fair because their friends can go and see them. I should go and be a professor so I can talk to people like that. I would take their statistics and write them down.

You can never outrun the cops. I know this guy who tried it before and it did not work and he surrendered. I heard that from someone. I was watching TV and there were some people who were going to jail and every time the camera came they would cover their faces. I think they did that because they didn’t want their friends to see that they were in jail. That would be pretty embarrassing.

"I'm confused!"

Original video:



My version:

Best Beasts: A horror story

There are ten of them. At night they strike and kill. They open their tombstones. They haunted people’s houses. They were born in 1987.

At night they were hungry. For food, their father fed them human babies.

They went on a picnic. They brought peanut butter babies and jam babies and baby toast and human beans.

Suddenly, a flaming bird appeared. His name is Efos, the Winged Flame. He flew away. They were shocked when it ended. They didn’t know what it was and what it wanted.

“It probably wanted our food,” they complained.

“Someone saw the bird on fire,” one said.

“I saw its colour,” said another. Another saw its head. It had a sharp beak.

Its body is as yellow as gold. So was its beak. Another saw its tail. It was as hot as an atomic bomb blowing up.

The flaming bird flew back to its nest and laid an egg. One hour later, the egg hatched and the commercial came.

“It’s back. It was a banana,” the flaming bird announced. “Bananas give you calcium.” And he ate it up: chuga chuga chuga chuga chuga chuga chomp.

They decided to go fishing. Because the bird was on fire, they thought the bird would not go. They went fishing, but a sea surfer interrupted them. Then the flaming bird flew in sight. All the monsters ran for their lives. The elephant and Efos charged together, but they were too powerful and got destroyed. And the monsters ran home.

When they got home, their mother made a baby. It ate food and spit it at the kid monsters. The kid monsters said, “OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!”

I'm a copy editor

Dear everyone,

You need periods. See, there’s one right there. And another. I have been seeing sentences without periods, like at the dentist’s office and on the Internet. And that is not good. YOU NEED PERIODS!

That wasn’t a period; that was an exclamation point. You can use an exclamation point instead of a period if you are yelling.

The other one is a question mark. You can use that if you are asking a question. Still, you can use it like a period. You put it at the end of your sentence. This is important. Otherwise, nobody knows when the sentence is over. They will go on to the next sentence and not understand. That would be a problem. It’s a big problem for me.

I almost forgot about commas. Like, if you want to say something, and you want to say something else but in a different way, you can use a comma. It makes the sentence easier to read. There’s two in that sentence. My mom put them there because she is very good at writing. She knows where the commas go.

And that is all I have to say.

From Michael

Watching the Address to Congress

Dear everyone,

I wanna be there and shake Obama’s hand. But he beated John McCain bad. It was like twice as many votes. Bad beat. Seriously bad beat. It was almost 200 votes. That’s my limit.

I like Barack Obama. He is cool. I wonder what he was doing when the last guy was the president.

It is just unfair that those girls get to sleep in the president’s house. They must have like a million guards. Mom says there has never been a girl president, but I would still probably vote for the boy. Unless the girl is more prettier. It’s all about their style.

Barack Obama said he wants people to go to university. Of course I am going to go. I guess that means that it will be against the law to kick people out of school.

It’s almost kind of rude, though, that only Americans can be president. So I basically can never be president. That is rude. What about Indians? Indians are nice. You should be able to move from Asia and get the best job. I could pretend I was an American so I could be president. But I probably would not get away with it.

Now there is some other guy talking. (TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE: That would be Bobby Jindal.) Like, he said he wasn’t going to say any more, and then he kept talking. He needs cream for his forehead. I don’t want this guy to be president, because he doesn’t talk loud enough. He makes really long words, like way longer than “ketchup”. Words like “consequence” and “opportunity” and “responsibility”. And those are the three words he likes to say. (TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE: HAHAHAHAHA.) I think he’s weird. I don’t know what he’s saying.

I want my mom to be president, or at least vice president. That way, I could live in that house.

From Michael

Why didn't my mom see this coming?

Dear everyone,

My mom says if there’s no tooth fairy, I don’t get money for my teeth. I want to get money, but I can’t believe it if it isn’t real.

Now I am thinking that maybe there is no such thing as angels. I think they might just be a story.

My mom says that my grampy has studied a lot and he is sure there are angels, but I think maybe he made a mistake. I think he might just think that because he is a church person. Church people might believe things that aren’t real. I like to go and watch church sometimes when my grampy is there, but I’m not a church person. I do like the bread at church. It would be good to have bread like that that was the size of my house. It would probably take me three days to eat it all.

If it isn’t real, I can’t believe in it. I can only believe in things that are real. Things like Cleopatra that are in books about real things. I know that Cleopatra was real. There are some books that are just stories and some books that are about things that are real.

Maybe angels aren’t real. I don’t know that for sure, but I don’t know how I would find out. I don’t think God needs guards. That doesn’t make sense. And I am pretty sure that angels are guards for God.

From Michael